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Every break-up is its own kind of tragedy. Even when both people in a relationship sense that it is nearing its end, the person who actually ends it usually has a better understanding of precisely what went wrong than the person who must deal with an end they didn’t declare.
Emotions are raw on both sides, and most people understandably aim to keep the break-up conversation as brief as possible. This might feel easier in the moment, but it can (and often does) take a toll in the long-run.
A 30-year-old client named Dhruv, for instance, recently approached me to help him gain closure in a relationship where he initiated the break-up. In this one and the relationship before it, he said, both women had called him months later, still distraught and wondering what had gone wrong. Clearly, he had not ended things as neatly as he thought.
Even worse, Dhruv says, both re-closure conversations left the women feeling more distraught than they had been before. He was left feeling he had “re-hurt” them. And this was troubling him so much that he was now avoiding any fresh commitments.
He wanted to know: Was there a way to end a relationship without lingering hard feelings, giving and getting closure from a break-up?
Here’s why closure is important. Even a brief relationship can engender deep emotional attachment. It is common for this attachment to be imbalanced, with one person more emotionally invested than the other. In a break-up, the pain felt by the more involved partner is caused not only by the loss of the partnership but also by the sense that perhaps the imbalance was greater than they realised.
That is why clarity about why a relationship is ending is important. Don’t take the ingenuous route and try, “I think you’re great and I don’t deserve you”. It never helps.
Be honest. State clearly why you are ending the relationship; that is the fairest and kindest thing to do. It allows the other person a chance to navigate the break-up with dignity, with fewer questions to haunt them later, and less emotional baggage to carry into the next bond.
Denied closure, the “why” can become an all-possessing thought. It often leads to more troubling ones: Should I have been different? Was it all a mistake? Can I trust my judgement? Besides the hurt, there can be a corrosion of confidence.
Closure helps the person initiating the break-up too. It is a chance to take responsibility for one’s actions; discover aspects of oneself, as expressed by the now-ex, that one may otherwise have been unaware of.
It is important, in a break-up conversation, to be genuine but kind, answer questions honestly and openly, and avoid accusations, recriminations and regret. Aim to work together to a mutual end, because the last thing you do for each other is important too.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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